


The Thoughts of Fitz and Simmons

by otherpartyfavors



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 16:19:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 15,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3388256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otherpartyfavors/pseuds/otherpartyfavors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Fitz and Simmons wrote in journals during season 1?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story during the summer hiatus and thought I would add it on this website for anyone who wants to reminisce with season 1.

Fitz

Bloody christ, this fieldwork might kill me. My heart’s been racing ever since I stepped on this plane.

I’m not sure how, but Simmons and I were able to save a man’s life today. Well, I do know exactly how, as I helped invent the thing, but I still can’t believe it. Mike Peterson would have blown up into a million tiny pieces if we hadn’t come through with the Night-Night gun.

What is this intriguing Night-Night Gun, you ask? It’s a piece of brilliant technology I invented. Well, Simmons helped. It’s a beauty, honestly. And to think I perfected it in mere hours.

Like I said, this fieldwork might kill me. Sure, it might produce some great inventions, but I’m not used to working under so much pressure. I’m used to exams, deadlines, but not actual DEADlines.

But it looks like we’ve got a good team. Agent Coulson is great, although he has no understanding of how long it normally takes to make a scientific breakthrough. It’s a very good thing Simmons and I came through today, because, well, we just might be that brilliant.

I don’t know much about Agent May. She seems like a fairly competent pilot, which I’m sure will come in handy. Other than that, it doesn’t seem like there’s much to her. That’s my initial impression, at least.

Agent Ward has got some mad skill. I know sci ops always talk crap about spec ops, but I wouldn’t mind being able to do some of the things he does. Unfortunately my brainpower is not always appreciated as much as his skill set.

This Skye character might be joining us for a bit more.  She seems pretty interesting, and well, pretty. Not that I was really looking or anything, I know I’m on the job, but it’s just a matter of fact that she’s attractive. But, more importantly, she has good hacking skills that Coulson thinks might come in handy. We’ll see, I guess.

I made it through my first mission and we are already preparing for the second. I’m not really sure what Simmons made me sign up for, but it’ll be exciting, to say the least.

 

Simmons

            Wow. That is all I can say at the moment. Just, wow! I knew the field would be exciting, but I never thought that it would be _this_ exciting. Fitz and I helped save a man’s life! I don’t think that will ever fully register with me.

            Fitz was brilliant, of course. I knew he would take well to the field; he just needs to get the hang of it. And so do I, frankly. I’m in for quite an adventure, I know, but I am scared that it's going to be too much for me to handle. Agent Coulson expects a great deal from us and I just hope that we can deliver. I hate to disappoint authority.

            Anyways, the team works together well, I think. Agent Coulson and Agent May have worked with each other before, and have been with S.H.I.E.L.D. for a while—it’s always good to have seasoned team members.  Makes me feel a more taken care of. Ward is a little stand-offish. Can’t really read him too well, but is extremely capable.

            We’re going to start another mission soon to check out an 0-8-4. What’s an 0-8-4, you ask? An exciting unidentified object! Which I hope doesn’t turn out to be terribly dangerous. I believe Skye is going to be joining us—it will be nice to have her around, I think.

            Well, I need to prep in the lab now. Hopefully Fitz isn’t hyperventilating about the next mission.


	2. 0-8-4

Simmons

            The field is so exciting! I don’t think I’m ever going to get over how exciting it really is. Although some of that excitement comes with very real danger. There were a couple times today when I felt rather helpless. And scared. And guilty about dragging Fitz along with me on this crazy adventure.

            But we made it through! And I think our team is more prepared now. We’ve worked out some kinks, and got to have some time to bond together. Stressful events do that, right? Bring people together.

            You would never believe—Agent May is The Cavalry! I’m still so shocked and in awe that she is on our team protecting us. They must think Fitz and I are worth the protection!

            And Skye, too. She needs protecting, as she doesn’t have combat skills either. We really are an odd team, aren’t we?

            But like I said earlier, today was very scary. I really hope our next mission isn’t as dangerous. I can’t believe that Fitz had a knife to his throat today. I feel so guilty at the thought of it. If he gets hurt, it’ll all be my fault. It was my idea to come go into the field, and I can’t stand the thought of something happening to him because of me. God, that would be so awful.

            It would be awful if anyone got hurt. Ward, May, Coulson, Skye (who is going to be sticking around!) are all at risk. And myself, too. I think I’d feel worse if someone else got hurt, though. Well, except physically, of course.

            This is all still so new and exciting, yet terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. But we did a good thing today. We secured an 0-8-4. Unless someone goes into space to get it, no one will ever be hurt by it. That’s a comforting feeling. That’s what it means to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. I’m helping to protect people—in a way I never thought I would.

            Ah, well, I need some sleep. I need some very good sleep. And some water. I think I may have had one beer too many…

 

Fitz

            I had a bloody knife to my throat today. A _knife._ But I lived through it; I’m tough like that. I’ll be able to do this fieldwork stuff. At least I should be able to, right?

            It’s just a lot more intense than I thought it would be. The first mission was nothing on this one. Last mission, I was on a time crunch. That’s it. This time, we were being shot at, knifed at, and almost thrown out of an airplane. I _never_ want to fall out of an airplane. With the acceleration, it would just be, I don’t know. It would be bad, that’s what it would be.

            Ward was really getting on my nerves today, but I think things are better now. He just doesn’t understand intense energy source technology. I’m sure if he did, we wouldn’t have argued. But luckily Simmons was on my side. She’s handy like that.

            I’m still a bit angry with her for dragging us out of the lab. Well, I’m glad to be here, but, I don’t know. It’s weird, I guess. I want to be here, but I’m honestly scared shitless. Might as well admit it. I’m not cut out for dodging bullets. It’s a very good thing that Ward, May, and Coulson are, ‘cause me, Simmons, and Skye? Definitely not. Not even close.

            But anyways, Skye is sticking around, which will be nice. She’s bunking right next to me, which isn’t important at all, but that’s where she ended up. Maybe I should show her my autographed pictured of Tony Stark? Since she’s right there next to me, I might as well. Although I’m not very good at talking to her without sounding like an idiot, so maybe I’ll just stick to chumming with Simmons in the lab.


	3. The Asset

Fitz

            Dr. Hall is gone. I can’t believe it. I know Coulson had his reasons for ending things like he did, but Dr. Hall was a good man. He may have had a weird way of going about it, but his intentions were good, I think.

            This is all just so messy. I don’t really know who was right and who was wrong. Quinn’s obviously wrong, that wanker, but Dr. Hall wasn’t completely wrong, and now he’s dead. At least the gravitonium safe and no one will ever get to it again. That’s what’s important.

            Besides all the confusion, I did some particularly brilliant work on this mission. I was able to figure out a way for Skye to enable a Wi-Fi connection—with a nifty little device disguised as a compact—which perfectly matched Skye’s rosy complexion, I might add.  Not that I’ve really noticed her complexion. Okay, well, maybe I have. I’ve noticed. There.

            Christ, I said something really stupid in front of Simmons and May. About boobs. If I hadn’t been so brilliant the rest of the day, I would be absolutely mortified.

            And, of course, no one liked my brilliant monkey idea. No else seems to share in my appreciation for their genius. Not even Simmons, and she usually agrees with me.

            But anyway, that doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that the gravitonium is safe.

            I hope I never up like Dr. Hall. Like I said, he wasn’t a bad guy, maybe just a little misguided. Seems like it could be fairly easy to get a little misguided. Although I don’t think Simmons would end up like that, so I’m glad to have her as my lab partner. She’s so uptight, following the rules; I don’t think she would ever hurt anyone with a scientific discovery, no matter the end goal. I guess the ends don’t justify the means for me, either, though, so maybe we’ll just keep each other in check, keep science from giving us big heads and what not. I don’t really know what I'm rambling on about. I just wish we could’ve secured the gravitonium without losing Dr. Hall.

 

Simmons

            I’m sad to say that a great scientist was lost today. I'm still trying to make sense of it. We were trying to save him, to get him out of the hands of Ian Quinn, but instead he died.

            But I trust Coulson’s judgment, I really do. If there had been another way to stabilize the gravitonium, I’m sure he wouldn’t have sent Dr. Hall to his death. I… yes, I’m sure of it. I trust Coulson. I do.

            As a fellow scientist, though, I hope I never find myself in that situation. This whole event makes me rather nervous. Fitz and I are scientists, and very gifted scientists, if I do say so myself. Not that we are comparable to Dr. Hall, but what if someone kidnapped us for questionable motives? What if I was asked to do experiments I didn’t believe in or be killed? What would I do?

            I would hope I wouldn’t do it, but who knows what kind of leverage could be used. If it were just my own life, it wouldn’t be a question, but what if other people’s lives were used as leverage? What would I do then?

            Ugh, I don’t like thinking about this sort of thing.

            Let’s see, what else happened during the mission? Skye was so great—I had no idea she had it in her. She is much better at improvising that I am, that’s for sure. To think Fitz chalked that up to her boobs. Ugh. He can be so ridiculous sometimes, talking without really thinking. He must be smitten with Skye because he’s usually not that bad.

            And then there are those damn monkeys of his. I will never understand his fascination with them.

            They are adorable, I’ll admit, but I don’t think I would want one as a pet like Fitz does. Unless it was a very well trained monkey, but then, that monkey should be in its natural habitat! The only was it would work would be if they monkey lost its natural habitat and had to be taken in.

            But I guess it doesn’t really matter. Although to see Fitz’s face if he ever got his monkey would be a sight, for sure.


	4. Eye Spy

Fitz

            Well another venture into the field and another bruise, thank you very much. Nothing like getting run over in a van to make you feel all pissy. Shesh. Why does this keep happening to us? Coulson says we’ll be fine, and then someone attacks us. I’m starting to think these are inside jobs. Well, not really, but I’m bloody tired of almost being killed.

            You would not believe how close I am to perfecting the Night-Night Pistol. It looks fantastic, and it will have the functionality and precision of a ninja monkey (and yes, I realize those aren’t real but I recognize that they could be). Nobody seems to like the name “Night-Night”. I don’t get it. It puts you to sleep. You take a nap. You go to bed. Nighty Night. Night-Night Gun. It makes perfect sense. Why is that such a problem for people to figure out? Maybe they think it’s too obvious… No, “the gun that knocks you on your arse” would be too obvious. Night-Night is fantastically perfect. They're all just jealous they didn’t come up with it first. Especially Ward, that bastard. He’s not a bastard all the time, just when he questions my brilliant judgment and naming capabilities. And you know what? I invented it! I get to name it without people being all sarcastic and critical! That is my right as an innovator. The Night-Night Gun. Remember it—it will become famous.

            Speaking of which, I need to go work on it in the lab; all this naming business is making me angry and I need to do something with my hands.

 

Simmons

            Eye surgery. I did eye surgery today. I removed someone’s eyeball from their eye socket.

            I had no idea I was this brilliant! I mean, I knew I was smart, gifted even, but EYE SURGERY. When I'm not even a surgeon. I’ve read about eye surgery, of course, and it didn’t seem like anything too technical, it’s more the fact that I was working on an actual person’s eyeball, not some computerized simulation. I pulled out an eyeball that was a mechanized weapon from Akela. Wow.

            And goodness, was she a trooper. I can barely get an eyelash out of my eye let alone stick a local anesthetic into it. Ah, it was so nerve wracking, but so fascinating! I really hope I never have to do anything surgical again, but it’s nice to know that I have that skill set in case it comes up. You never know.

            Oh, and we almost got killed in a van! But like always, things turned out okay. Goodness, I do hope things continue to turn out okay.

            And I almost forgot! I got to go to Belarus! This is why I wanted to join the team. This is why Fitz couldn’t pass it up. How many places have we been now? Peru, now Belarus, and who knows where we will be off to next. As long as it is not too dangerous, I am very excited at the prospect of more interesting travel.


	5. The Girl in the Flower Dress

Simmons

            I’m happy to hear that Skye will be able to stay on with us. I’m not sure what convinced Coulson, as he seemed very angry with her, but I’m glad it worked. Skye doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would sell us out or use us. She was just protecting her friend. A _very_ good friend, as it seems that they slept together.

            For some reason that seems so odd to me. Perhaps it’s because it’s been a very long time since I’ve seriously thought of sleeping with anyone. When would there be time for it? I’m very happy with the life that I’ve chosen, but sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to have a normal job, fall in love, get married, have kids. All those things that I’ll probably never have.

            I have my work. My very, very exciting work. And of course, the team. I may never fall in love with any of them, but they’re there for me, and I’m there for them. At this point in my life, I think that’s all I need. I do wish from time to time that I could see my parents more often, but whenever I see them they are always so worried, and I can never tell them any details from the field. Really, the only people I can be fully honest with are right here on the Bus. Not that I tell them my secrets, but they understand this line of work. They understand being married to your job, married to the S.H.I.E.L.D. way of life. But all that to say, I’m very glad Skye will be staying.

            We get along quite well and it’s not everyday a young S.H.I.E.L.D. agent gets to team up with someone their own age and sex—someone you can bond with like a sister. Of course, if Skye did have to leave, I’d always have Fitz. He may drive me crazy sometimes, but he’s good to have around. And he probably knows me better than anyone, as he’s been my lab partner for several years now. Yes, if he were to leave, I’m not sure what I would do. But if he ever found out I said that, it would go straight to his head, believe me.

            Anyways, I’m very tired. Today has been an oddly emotional day. Hopefully our next mission won’t be so emotionally tiresome.

 

Fitz

            So Skye had a boyfriend this whole time. Not that I really care, it’s just weird that she didn’t tell us. Makes me wonder what else she isn’t telling us. Not that I think she has any ill intent or anything, just seems like there is a lot we don’t know about her.

            But then again, it’s not like I’ve been spilling all my secrets out to the team, is it? Not that I really have any, just a few things I don’t want the world to know about.

            But still, if I had a girlfriend, I would tell people. Not that that would happen anytime soon. Being a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent isn’t all that conducive to having a girlfriend. Although sometimes I think it would be quite nice to have one. You know, just someone you can laugh with and all that. And some physical stuff would be brilliant right about now. It's been a long time since I’ve been with a woman. You know, that one time. And she was kinda mean, so I’d like to be able to do it with someone else someday. Someone nice.

            Skye is pretty nice. Not that I think that it would ever happen with her, but it would probably be pleasant. Not that she would be interested—I don’t think she sees me that way.

            No, the closest thing I’ll get to being intimate with a woman is shacking up with Simmons in the lab. Doing it with Simmons, now, that would be weird, because she’s my lab partner. You can’t have sex with your lab partner, that’s pretty much S.H.I.E.L.D. 101.

            But anyways, enough about that. Goodness, how did I end up even talking about that? I’ll need to up the security on this journal. It’s already top notch, but can you imagine how embarrassing it would be if someone read what I wrote today? Can’t have that. That would be torture. Simmons and Skye would not stop giggling at me. That would be insufferable.


	6. FZZT

Fitz

            What a couple of days. I don't even know where to start. One minute we're all joking and making fun of Ward and the next thing Simmons is jumping out of a freaking airplane, for God's sake. I nearly had a heart attack about 5 times in the past 42 hours.

God, what was she thinking? She can't just do stuff like that. First, she gets infected with this thing, and then she knocks me out and jumps off the bloody plane. She never does stuff like that. Why would she do that?

I was going to jump after her, I really was, but it’s probably a good thing Ward showed up. He's might be more skilled at skydiving, although doesn't seem like it should be that difficult. You just fall, you know?

Anyway, I could've done it, but Ward beat me to it, which is annoying, but Jemma is safe so it doesn't matter.

Jemma, what on Earth were you thinking? Like I said, she nearly gave me a heart attack, and, I don't know. Something else.

I guess its safe to say that she's my best friend. I didn’t really realize until today—she’s been beside me for ages. The thought of losing her, well, I don't want to think about it. I'd rather think about her here, beside me. Not right now, though, because I'm in my bed, and that wouldn't do.

Unless, you know, if she wanted to be in my bed, I don't think I would object. We'd probably just watch a movie—the bed would be more like a couch. Just a couch. Nothing weird about friends sitting on a couch together.

Friends. Yes, that's what we are. Good friends who look out for one another. And spend a lot of time with each other. 

God, Jemma, what were you thinking? It was weird, a little bit ago, she kissed my cheek. I don't think she's ever done that before. I guess female friends might do that now and then. But regardless, it made me feel a little weird. Not in an unpleasant way, because it wasn't unpleasant, but in an I-don't-know-what-I'm-feeling kind of way. I don't know what I would do without her. She's insufferable; yes, but she's the best person I know. And she's beautiful. Might as well come out with that.

And who doesn't like a pretty girl kissing your cheek? That's it. I'm feeling weird because I liked it, but its okay that I liked it. Who wouldn't like that?

Now, if I thought I'd want to kiss her on the mouth that would be weird, because we're friends. And friends don't kiss on the mouth. Well, unless we were Italian or something. Then I could probably kiss Jemma on the mouth. Not that I really want to or anything. Although, it would probably not be the worst kiss in the world. The kiss on the cheek was nice, after all.

But that’s really not important. How did I start talking about kissing? I’m just glad Jemma’s alive.

 

Simmons

Oh my goodness, what a day! I can't believe everything that's happened, I just can't. To think I was infected by an alien virus! Truly remarkable. And that I lived. Well, I have to give full credit to my team for saving me. They were so wonderful today--I'm so glad I get to still be around them.

Poor Skye. She seemed so torn up. I guess I would be, too, if she were the one who was deathly ill. I hate to make people so upset, but I guess it's nice to know that I would have been missed.

And Agent Coulson, I can't believe he went against orders from HQ in order to give me more time! He was quite angry with me after the whole sky diving incident, and I completely understand why. I didn't obey his orders... which I guess makes us a little similar, doesn’t it? Something to keep in mind if I ever get in trouble again… which hopefully will be NEVER! I _hate_ being in trouble.

Agent May was so sweet and made me a cup of tea when I got back on the plane. I'm still every bit terrified of her, but I'm beginning to see a slightly softer side to her.

Now Ward was remarkable. I can't even imagine what kinds of skills are needed to accelerate in a certain way in order to catch someone freefalling. I’m very grateful that he went after me instead of Fitz. How terrible would it be if something happened to him while he was trying to help me?

Oh, Fitz. Goodness, I can't believe all that he did, all that he did for me. He risked getting infected, almost jumped out of the plane to get me even though he is absolutely terrified of heights, and, he got so... emotional. I've never seen Fitz like that. His temper can reel from time to time, but, I've never seen him so, what's the word... pained. Hurt. I must mean a lot to him. And he means a lot to me, too. He’s been with me for forever—by my side throughout my whole training and career with S.H.I.E.L.D.

I don't know what I would do without him. He was quite the hero today, and I am so, so touched by his actions. I think something has changed between us, somehow. We're no longer just dedicated lab partners.

We're the best of friends, Fitz and I.


	7. The Hub

Simmons

            Oh, I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately. I have been doing things that I thought I never, ever, ever, ever thought I would do. Like, jump out of a plane, and shoot a superior officer in the chest. Why did I do that? I can be quite silly sometimes, clearly.

            I’m just not a good liar, that’s all. That’s why I shot Agent Sitwell. But, it was just the Night-Night Gun. Not an actually gun. _Very_ important distinction.

            Skye made me do it! Well, not exactly. She talked me into getting information. I was the one who panicked and froze and started saying words that made absolutely no sense. And shot Agent Sitwell. Let’s just say I am the _complete_ opposite of Agent Romanoff.

            But there was all a very good reason for it, despite how poorly executed it was on my part. We had to find out what was happening to Fitz and Ward. We just had to. There wasn’t really an option—if we didn’t help who knows what would have happened. I’m just glad May and Coulson were on board to help after finding out there wasn’t an extraction team.

            How could there not have been an extraction team? Fitz isn’t cleared for combat, how would he have been able to get himself out? Surely Agent Hand knew all of this. Why would she be okay with a plan like that?

            I know she had her reasoning, but I don’t think I like her all that much anymore. Seems as if she would have been disagreeable but generally okay with the idea of Fitz not making it through the mission.

            Well, she doesn’t know Fitz like I do. He is definitely worth an extraction team. Ugh, she makes my blood boil! Why would she not send an extraction team?

            Okay, Jemma. Calm down. I’m just not okay with the idea of losing Fitz. Understandably so. From what I hear from him and Ward, he was quite brave on this mission. You know, keeping Ward in line. As worried as I was, I’m really very proud of him. And I’m so glad that he’s safe. So, so glad.

            Goodness, do I need a good cup of tea and a nap.

 

Fitz

            Well, I am beat. Another day in the field, check. Another day using my mad skills to do fantastic work, check. Get this: I kept Ward, Ward of all people, from getting taken down by a very large man. Me. I did. By kicking the guy in the face with _my_ foot.

            You know, I was a little worried going into the mission. Wasn’t quite sure how it was all going to play out, but I came through. And, of course, so did Ward. You know, I understand the whole sandwich thing, but it still makes me really angry. I wanted to eat that sandwich. Ward has no idea how good that sandwich is. And Simmons made it for me. She put in a lot of effort to make me a delicious sandwich, and Ward tosses it. I’m going to have to get over it, but I really hope Simmons doesn’t find out I didn’t eat it. That would break her little heart, I think. Well, I guess she’d get over it. She might even make me another one. Maybe I should tell her?

            I can’t believe she shot Agent Sitwell with the Night-Night Gun. Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into her lately. She’s been acting so rash. So unpredictable. So…brave. Yeah, she’s been incredibly brave lately. With the whole virus thing, and getting confidential information from the Hub. I really hope that she knows, you know, that I would’ve jumped for her. I really would have. It’s weird, I think, I think she might make me want to be braver.

            Is that weird? That’s weird, right? She’s my lab partner. But she is my friend, too, so I guess it’s not that weird. Just friends inspiring each other, that’s all.

            I don't really know what’s going on in my head these days. I kinda missed Jemma when I was on the mission. Probably because I’m just so used to spending so much time with her, that it’s weird when we’re not right next to each other. Yeah, that’s it. I just need a good sleep, you know, level my head a bit.

            But I should probably have a cup of tea first.


	8. The Well

Fitz

            This alien stuff is starting to be a little too much. Probably making Simmons more nervous than any of us. And rightfully, so, as something alien almost killed her. And I guess Coulson has some room to worry, with Loki and all. I used to think that alien stuff would be cool no matter what, but clearly I was wrong. Alien stuff is bloody dangerous. I’d much rather stay away from it.

            Although the alien himself was pretty interesting. Never thought I would actually meet an Asgardian. Can you imagine living for as long as he has? Seeing so much history. I wonder what he thinks of our scientific theories. I guess from his perspective they have changed quite drastically during his lifetime. But I’m sure they do the same thing on Asgard, right? Now, that would be interesting, to observe Asgardian scientist at work. In order to do that, though, you’d have to go into space. I’m not really sure if I’m up to that, yet. Still getting used to the Bus. Although I wouldn’t mind designing an aircraft to take someone else to space. I don’t know, maybe I would go. Yeah, maybe I would. I could handle it, right? I’ve already handled a bit more than I thought I’d be able to.

            I’m really glad I didn’t accidentally get hold of that staff like Ward did. He was not pleasant to be around, that’s for sure. Said some things that weren’t very nice, to put it mildly. He so eloquently reminded me how I was not able to save Jemma when she jumped out of the plane. Can’t say that one didn’t hurt. And in front of her and Skye, too. I know he didn’t mean it, but I can’t get his words out of my head. ‘Cause, I mean, he’s right. I can’t protect anyone. I think I just got lucky in that last mission.

            And it sucks because I really want to be able to help in more ways than I able to. I want to be able to physically fend off enemies but I’m only good at gadgets and such. Not that I'm sorry to do what I do, or sorry to be a scientist. I’m glad to be a scientist. I just wish I could do a better job protecting the people I care about.

 

Simmons

            Just got off the phone with Mum and Dad. It was a little awkward talking to them, as usual. I can’t actually tell them anything of substance despite all their questions, but it’s so good to hear their voices. Partly makes me wish I could go visit them for a little bit. Eat some of Dad’s omelets and Mum’s pudding. Oh, and the cat, Squeaks. I miss her.

            I miss home, really. I miss being on solid ground for more than 12 hours. Miss going to tea with Aunt Sarah. Miss curling up by the fire to watch a film with Mum and Dad. But whenever I do go home, it’s just not quite the same. They’ve changed; I’ve changed—and we’re all trying to meet somewhere in the middle rather unsuccessfully. They don’t understand my life, and I don’t understand theirs. I love them dearly, and I’d do almost anything for them, but they aren’t quite home anymore, I guess. I don’t really know what home is anymore, besides some nostalgic memory we’ll never be able to reenact.

            I guess I don’t miss home, then. I miss having one. The Academy felt a little bit like home towards the end, but it was over so quickly. Sci Ops was great, but not very homey. More just sterile and great for research. I guess the Bus is the closest thing I’ve had to home in a long time. It feels a little bit like family, at least, and it’s only been a few months. I have a feeling that if I stay on this team long enough it will feel like home. Which makes me scared for when it’ll end. Not that I’m anticipating that happening anytime soon, but it makes sense that eventually, sometime in the future, we’ll all go our separate ways. And then I’ll miss home again. But I think it’s worth it. Hopefully something constant will stick with me through all the changes life might have. I guess that’s one reason why people get married and have kids. To have something constant.

            Anyways, I don’t know what I’m going on about. I’m just in a nostalgic mood, I guess.


	9. Repairs

Simmons

            I think I’m still suffering from what some people call the “heebeegeebees.” Yeesh. Every time I think about the last couple hours on this plane, a shiver runs down my spine, which is not very pleasant at all. In fact I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight. Maybe Fitz and I should just watch T.V. or films all night. He’s probably shaken up, too.

            Of course on the day that Fitz and I plan to continually prank Skye we’re visited by violent, ghostlike man. Apparently he had good intentions, but still, he was VERY creepy and almost killed us. We did have fun pranking Skye, though, and it almost felt like us being back at the Academy, teasing the freshmen. I’m glad that we were able to graduate early, but we did miss out on some great years at the Academy. Because I rushed through my schooling, I never quite had the university experience, and the Academy was really the closest thing to it. The Academy was a period of firsts for me, much like university is for others. The first time I stayed out late doing something other than studying, the first time I got seriously tipsy, the first time I went on a real date (Although it wasn’t a very good one. He spilt beer on me, which I guess is another first.), and, of course, the first time I met Fitz. The sad thing about having a short time at the Academy is that everything mostly stayed as firsts, with a few exception.

            I grew up very fast. I’m okay with it, but every now and then I do wish my life had been a bit more normal. And then I get to be a part of a new scientific discovery, and that all goes away. I am where I need to be, with the people I want to be with. I’m very grateful to have Fitz. He understands all this like no one else does. He grew up just as fast as I did, (although sometimes I wonder if he’s even grown up completely), and with the same pattern: skipping years of school, constantly surrounded by people much older than yourself, and trying to somehow get across that you’re not just the young kid with the brain, and no,  _you cannot copy my homework_ .

            I live a strange, scary, dangerous life, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I am surrounded by such good people. But I should go now, as it looks like they’re calling me to play a game of Scrabble.

 

Fitz

            Well, I think I’ve got a great idea for the next blockbuster horror film. But it’s weird, I’m starting to get to the point where all this weird stuff doesn't phase me. I mean, of course while it was happening I was scared shitless, but now I can just shrug it off as just another strange mission in the life of a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. Although it might be a while till I stop jumping at sudden movements. That’s normal, right?

            Before things started getting really weird, I was having a great time with Simmons, coming up with ideas for pranking Skye. I forgot how funny Jemma could be. And she’s just fun to be around. It’s nice when we don't have huge amounts of pressure on us and can relax a bit, joke around and all that. I really like that. I like working with her, too. She really is brilliant and comes up with fantastic ideas. I wish I was better at telling her that, but I’ve never been good a serious conversations. She knows I think she’s brilliant, right? I hope so.

            Her additions to the Calvary story were great. I find myself still chuckling about the horse bit. She may not be able to lie under pressure, but she can make up a great story when there isn’t any pressure. And she’s so enthusiastic, you know? About pretty much anything she sets her mind to. I used to be really annoyed by that at the Academy, because she would always out-study me. But now I don’t mind it. It’s endearing, really. Enthusiastic Jemma.

            But why am I talking about this? I guess I’ve been catching myself thinking about her a lot lately. Not sure why. Well, maybe I do. I don’t know, I think being cooped up on the Bus is doing weird things to me. First I had a little crush on Skye, and now I’m thinking about Jemma all the time. But I guess it’s not really the same thing, as I don’t think I have a crush on Jemma. She’s my best friend and I just like being around her. Although I have noticed recently just how pretty she is. I don’t know how, but I glossed over that for most of the time that I’ve known her. Seems rather silly, now, because it’s very obvious that she’s very pretty.

            But enough about that. I need to sleep. Hopefully I won’t have any nightmares about creepy men lurking the halls. Yes, here’s to a full night’s sleep without any interruptions.


	10. The Bridge

Fitz

            This type of thing happening is not what I signed up for. This isn’t how things were supposed to go. We don’t know where Coulson is, and Mike is probably dead. I think I’m having trouble breathing correctly. This is all just too much.

            Those Centipede bastards. I want to punch every single one of them in the face. And then vomit. I’ve been feeling like I need to do that all night.

            My brain is just not working like it should be. We’ve been up all night, worried out of our bloody minds, trying to think of how to find Coulson and coming up with nothing. Nothing. Ten hours of brainstorming and nothing but the promise that Agent Hand is on her way. Perhaps that’ll help. Fresh eyes.

            I just wish this could all be erased. That we could somehow go back in time and avoid the whole thing. I don’t want to believe that Mike is dead. His son is way too young to lose his father. I guess I should know about that.

            And Coulson, who is most likely alive but who knows in what condition. I really just need to punch something. Or fix something, do something with my hands. This is all just too much.

            I thought we were in danger before, but not like this. This Centipede group is far bigger than we ever imagined. Coulson was taken, but we’re all in danger. I don’t like that we’re all in danger. God, why can’t I focus? I want to approach this situation calmly and rationally because I know that’ll find Coulson faster, but all I can think about is how angry I am and scared that we won’t find him, and how worried I am about something happening to Jemma. I don’t know why she keeps flashing in my head. This isn’t the time for that. This is the time to find Coulson and I can’t do anything because I’m too scared. I’m too scared of losing anyone. I don’t know how May does it. I don’t know how she completely removes herself from her emotions. I can’t do it. I’ve tried and failed. Mum always said I was terrible at handling my emotions from the beginning. I don’t know why they let me be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. I can’t handle this pressure.

            Yet I’ve made it this far. I owe it to my team to keep trying.

 

Simmons

            I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Everything is just so terribly awful. Coulson was taken and Mike blown up, right in front of us, and his son. Oh, the look on that little boy’s face. I wish I could erase that from my memory.

            We’re trying to think of something. Anything, but coming up with very little. Agent Hand is on her way, with a whole team of people. God, I hope that Coulson and Centipede are found within in the next twenty-four hours.

            This Centipede group has become much more than we bargained for. They’re too organized for an underground agency. It’s almost as if they have as much man-power and funding as S.H.I.E.L.D. It’s all so eerie.

            I’ve been trying to keep a level head throughout all of this, but I don’t know how much longer I can take. I can see that Fitz is wearing down. And I’m not that far behind him. Skye is a mess, but somehow still just as focused as ever, if not more.

            I just can’t believe this all happened. That one of us was taken. That Mike is most likely dead. I just want everything to be all better again, but it can’t now. Even if Mike were alive he would suffer from the injuries involved all his life. Some repairs can be made, yes, we can find Coulson, potentially nurse Mike if he’s alive, but this can’t truly be fixed. This can’t be erased, like I wish it could.

            But enough of all this. This isn’t going to help. I have to stay focused and strong. Hellbent on making this situation as good as we can make it. And dealing with the loses afterwards. Now is not the time to mourn. Now is the time to fight.


	11. The Magical Place

Simmons

            Thank goodness Coulson is safe and sound now. I feel like I can finally breathe freely again. To think that he could have been lost forever—it’s so awful.

            But it’s not all relief. Some of Mike’s remains were found on the scene. He’s surely dead; there’s no way he couldn’t be.

            I keep on thinking that it can’t get any worse. I keep on thinking that there’s a certain level of danger this job won’t pass. But I don’t think that any more. Someone very close to our team died and one of our own was almost killed, both at the hands of Centipede. The stakes are so much higher than I ever thought they would be. Any of us could be killed or taken at any moment. Is it really worth it?

            I know that it is, but sometimes I question whether it should be me doing this work. Am I cut out for working in such circumstances? I guess no one really knows that until they’re in it. I seem to be getting by all right, but just barely. It’s taking every bit of energy I have to keep going and to believe that this work is worth doing, and that I'm a vital part of it. If someone on our team were to get hurt, I don’t know what I would do. Would I be able to keep a level head and do my job? Would I have the courage to stick with it and not run home?

            I guess all I should focus on is that fact that we are protecting people. We are protecting people from real threats like Centipede. And I am playing a vital role in it. I’m not necessarily one to flatter myself, but my skills are unique. I’m needed here, and I want to do this work.

            It’s strange, I just thought about something my mum said to me, after my grandmother died. _Loving people is a risk,_ she said. _It’s well worth it, but it may hurt more than you could ever imagine._ Doing work like this is like falling in love, you could say. There is so much risk, and I could fall into heartache well beyond my means, but it’s well worth it. Just like I never stopped loving my grandmother because I could lose her, I’m never going to stop doing this work because I could find heartache.

 

Fitz

            We got Coulson back, thank god. I don’t think I’ve ever been angrier in my entire life. I really hope I don’t get that angry again because it’s very unpleasant. Not very good for my stomach and heart rate and all that.

            The one thing that is keeping a smile on my face is that fact that Raina is locked up nice and tight at the Fridge. Won’t be seeing her ever again. And I am so, so glad. These Centipede people, I just don’t get. What do they need this army of super soldiers for? What are they planning? It can’t be for the good of humanity, I’m sure. I wish we knew what their motivation was because maybe we could figure out their next move. But we really know nothing.

            But that’s another great thing about having Raina in custody. Hopefully she’ll reveal some information as to what the hell is going on.

            I really hate that I can’t figure this out. If there’s a problem, normally I can solve it. About 99.9999% of the time, I can solve it. But I can’t solve this. None of us can. And we’re suffering because of it.

            We need to solve this, because our team needs to be safe. Losing someone on our team isn’t an option. It can’t happen, so it’s not going to. If I can just solve the puzzle no one will get hurt. Not Ward, Skye, May, Coulson, and definitely, definitely not Jemma. I’ll be damned if I, if we, can’t figure this out and she gets hurt.

            I don’t know if I’ve officially said this, but my feelings for Jemma aren’t simply platonic anymore. Which is why she can’t get hurt. I can’t let that happen.

            Jemma’s so much better at this work than I am. I just want to take her with me to Scotland, get a small house, and be safe. Drink tea together, invent stuff. Other things… But she is so focused on here and now. On this work. I’m going to keep at it, but I’m not as naturally brave as her.

            I think I can be braver, though. It just doesn’t come easily to me. But I’ve got to keep trying, you know. For the team, and for Jemma.


	12. Seeds

Fitz

            I’m very lucky to have met Jemma when I came to the Academy. If I hadn’t met her, if I had met someone else, I could’ve ended up like Donnie. I was so much like him—a loner, tucked away in my room, keeping myself occupied by inventing things. I remember thinking that I wanted to quit. I came into the Academy thinking that finally, I’ll met people who get me, but it took a long time to find that.

            I was desperate enough for some friends that if I had met someone else, someone who didn’t have the best intentions, I might have gone along with them. I’d hope I wouldn’t, but I was so young and so lonely, it could’ve happened.

            But it was Jemma who I was paired with in Chem lab. I remember, when we first met, we stayed up until 3am debating electromagnetic fluctuations. She kept making me cups of tea. It was quite nice. Paired up in some projects after that, and then, as they say, the rest is history. I’m very glad I met her, and not some creep. For lots of reasons.

            I feel so bad for Donnie. His friend may have been an idiot, but he lost him nonetheless. His only friend. And he’s so young, too. That’s too much to go through at such a young age. Why do all of these creepy people have to be out there? Why can’t people just be nice, for crying out loud? You know, not make extremely destructive devices without any regard for other people’s safety. It’s bad enough with people like Ian Quinn and Raina and the goddamn Clairvoyant. We don’t need these kids getting into shady business. It’s infuriating that Quinn is buying off young kids who don’t know the full potential of what they’re inventing. I hope Quinn doesn’t give me more reasons for wanting to punch him in the face.

            I should have seen it all coming. I hung out with Donnie for a while, and it didn’t occur to me that he could have been involved in the whole ordeal. I should have seen it, but all I kept seeing was myself. I just wanted to be nice to him, like Jemma was to me.

            I hope he finds he way in the end. He definitely needs a lot of supervision for a while. But hopefully, he’ll find a good friend or team, and set things straight.

 

Simmons

            I’m getting really tired of seeing people die right in front of me. And I was so close to saving him, too. I’ve heard people say that you get used to it. That after seeing a certain number of people die or get seriously injured, you become numb to it. I feel it’s gotten worse. When I think of Seth’s flatline I just want to throw up, I get so sick to my stomach. He wasn’t a good kid, but he was still a kid. Still in his Academy days. And now Seth is dead, and poor Donnie left without a friend. Not that Seth was a very good friend, but they seemed very close. Donnie looked absolutely heartbroken. I can’t imagine what this was like for Donnie, for any of the students at the Academy right now.

            I’m so glad nothing like that happened while Fitz and I were students. That would be so terrifying. It’s terrifying for me—someone who has been in the field for a while now.

            S.H.I.E.L.D. engages in quite the risky business by training up gifted scientists. There is so much potential for things to go wrong, for young (and old) minds to get deluded into thinking their experiments are the exception. That they are allowed to take risks with human safety because of their brilliance. But of all the students who have passed through the Academy, I’d say we have a pretty good track record. Very few have been bad seeds or have been misguided. Well, that we know of, at least.

            It’s such a slippery slope. I am glad to have been surrounded by such good people during my Academy days. And to have made such good friends with Fitz, someone who would never put others in danger willingly. No, Fitz courageously fights for what’s right, even when he isn’t aware of it. That passion that he has for goodness, for justice, makes me want to be a better agent. A better person, really.


	13. TRACKS

Simmons

            Why am I the doctor on this team? I’m a biochemist. Not a physician. There’s a reason I didn’t go into the medical field. We need a proper medical team on this Bus. A team of medical staff who aren’t emotionally attached to any of us. There’s a reason why doctors don’t operate on friends or family members.

            I just feel so helpless. I’m the most qualified person here to help Skye and I can’t do anything more. I just want her to be safe and healthy. I want Ian Quinn behind bars, and I want someone much, much more qualified than me to handle Skye’s treatment.

            We can’t lose one of our own. We can’t let that happen. We need Skye. I need Skye. I haven’t had too many friends in my life. There aren’t a lot of people who really get me, or who at least try to get me or like me in spite of the fact that I’m very weird to them. Skye is like that. We’re so different, and I don’t think she gets me at all, but she doesn’t mind it. She never minded that I barely speak in nonscientific terms, or that I’m too British for my own good, or that I follow the rules because why else would they be there? And I never minded that she’s the complete opposite of me. She’s become a great friend, but now she might be fading. I don’t know what I’ll do if she fades completely.

            Ah, Fitz just brought me a cup of tea. I needed that, too. What would I have done without him today? He’s been taking care of me so well. It’s so good to have someone that I don’t have to keep it together in front of. I can be honest with my emotions around him, and I surely needed that today.

            Oh Skye, please, please come back to us. We need you here, with us. And just in case, although I highly doubt it, there’s some cosmic being out there who could read this and fix this, please do it. I don’t think you exist but I’m asking anyway. Guess that doesn’t really give me much right to ask, but if you are a loving being you won’t care. Please help her. Let things turn out okay. I promise I’ll be slightly less cynical about your existence if things get better. Slightly. I’m just trying everything and anything. Oh Skye, please be okay.

 

Fitz

            Ian Quinn is the filthiest bastard I have ever seen. And he’s on this plane. I could go to him and punch him in the chest if I wanted to. Well, of course I want to. I guess it’s more a question of whether my punch would hurt him more than it would hurt me. I don’t really feel like breaking my hand over him. He’s not worth that. I just wish I could punish him somehow. Maybe I could shoot him with a Night-Night gun a couple times. Or get the D.W.A.R.V.E.S. to attack him. I don’t know. Just something. Although he needs to be able to talk. We need answers.

            This Clairvoyant needs to get taken down, and fast. But we can’t really think about any of that right now. All we can think about is Skye. We need to get her better, somehow.

            It’s not looking very good right now. I don’t know what to think. I can’t do anything to help and so all I can think of is hurting Quinn, which isn’t really productive.

            This is what I’ve been afraid of for a while now. One of our own getting hurt, possibly beyond repair. I should have stopped her. I shouldn’t have let her go in there alone. Fitz, you are such an idiot—what they hell was I thinking? If I had gone in with her maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Or if I had gone in instead of Skye, things might have been better, or at least it would’ve been me instead. This mission was all wrong. Nothing went how it was supposed to. And now Skye is almost dead because of it. I don’t want her to die. She’s such a good person, and friendly and welcoming. And damn smart. We need her with us.

            God, I need more tea. Something to calm me down. Poor Jemma’s in way over her head. I don’t know how she does it. How she can keep calm and level headed when she’s falling apart inside. Bloody hell, it hurt to see her in so much pain. I just wish I could fix all of this. But I can’t. None of us can until we know more. All we can do now is wait. Wait, and, I don’t know. My mum would tell me to pray, but I doubt that’ll do any good. I guess it couldn’t hurt, though. Skye, please don’t die. We need you here.


	14. TAHITI

Fitz

            Bloody christ, I can breathe again. Skye is on the mend, and Quinn is going to the Fridge. I must have been holding my breath this whole time. It feels so nice to just…in…out…. That’s better.

            So many things just happened. Skye was coding, the mountain blew up, S.H.I.E.L.D. was on our asses about not handing over Quinn… but that’s all over now. For the first time in a very long time, it seems like the good guys have won, and the bad guys lost. Plan and simple. Just like it should be.

            Unless you’re those guys down in that bunker. They probably weren’t bad guys, but… they lost. We made them lose. And then there’s the “miracle” drug. Skye is alive, yes, but we have no idea what the side affects will be.

            God, when did things get so complicated? At the Academy, S.H.I.E.L.D. was always talked about as the glorious hero. And don’t get me wrong; I think most of the time it is, but what about those guys’ families? I don’t think they would think of S.H.I.E.L.D. in very heroic terms. No, there really aren’t ever purely good guys and bad guys, I guess. No one’s completely evil, I don’t think. And I guess no one is purely good.

            Although some people get pretty damn close to being purely good. I don’t think Jemma has a mean bone in her body. I think she’s only mean on accident—like when she told Professor Marks he was wrong in class. She didn’t mean to insult him, she was just stating a fact. I forgot how hilarious that was…

            Anyways, point being, there are probably few people who are close to being purely good. And Simmons is one of them. Which I already said. Dammit, why do I keep bloody talking about her? I mean, I know why. I just wish I could control it or something. I’m a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, for crying out loud. Tell you what; I’m going to make a little pact with myself that I’m just going to ignore any feelings or thoughts about Simmons that come up. Shouldn’t be too hard, right? It’s not a big deal, just a crush, or something…

            Yeah, just a wee little crush on my best friend. I just need to ignore it. Ignore it until it goes away. Or until I can’t ignore it anymore. Which ever comes first?

 

Simmons

            Oh, thank god. Skye is going to make it. I’m almost positive of that. Her vitals keep getting better and better every time I check, which is very, very often. You can never be too careful—I am a firm believer in that. She’ll be waking up soon, I hope.

            I can’t believe how quickly the GH325 worked. And that it worked at all. I really hope that I am able to do some decent research on it—something that effective should be available to everyone. Why was it hidden underneath a mountain? And what on earth is it made of? I wish I knew what side effects to be looking for in Skye…

            Goodness, I can’t turn my brain off. It’s been going and going for so long that it forgot how to relax! All I need to do now is monitor Skye’s progress, which isn’t stressful at all, seeing how well she’s doing. Fitz is still making me tea, which is very helpful and sweet, but I still can’t relax fully. My mind is just racing—either thinking over the last 24 hours or thinking about whatever the hell makes up the GH325 or trying to decide the best tea to have so I can stay awake now but sleep later or wondering if I’m ever so slightly attracted to Agent Triplett or why Coulson was saying to not give Skye the drug _as I was bloody giving it to her._ See? I can’t stop it.

            Fitz says that I should sleep, but I don’t think I could if I tried. He’s the one supplying me with caffeinated tea, anyways. I just need to force myself to think about something calming. Hmmm… what’s something calming that I can think about? Oh, I’m being so silly! I’ll just open the shades on my window.

            There. Now just look at that. And breathe, Jemma. There are so many beautiful stars and systems out there, and here I am, just a tiny speck filled up with even tinier specks. Quarks, atoms, molecules, organs, organisms, planets, stars, systems, galaxies. The Universe, and whatever lay beyond that. It’s all so beautiful and somehow I ended up a part of it. Somehow this mass of molecules and electromagnetic pulses can observe and consciously admire the beauty of other conglomerations of molecules and such. Hmm. I might just be able to sleep now, with this image in my head.


	15. Yes Men

Simmons

            I feel like I should work out more. Just build up my strength a little bit, and my dismal combat skills. I know that I am a strong person, in an emotional and mental capacity, but physically, I could do a lot a better. Lady Sif is quite astounding. I may have a little bit of a girl-crush on her. I could never be as fit as an Asgardian, but I could at least build up some physical agility. Become a little more warrior-like.

            Oh, who am I kidding? Like that’ll ever happen. I probably could become warrior-like if I actually trained for it, but when would I have time for that? No, I will spend my days doing brain exercises in the lab. And that’s not so bad, is it? I’ll be a brain-warrior, if you will. I do like the sound of that: Jemma Simmons, Brain-Warrior. I don’t know, maybe it does sound kind of silly. Maybe more like, Jemma Simmons, best-in-the-field-biochemist-who-has-the-capabilities-and-know-how-to-really-do-anything-related-to-the-human-body-including-surgery-and-resucitating-practically-dead-people. It may be a little long, but I’m sure there’s an acronym to fix that.

            Lorelei was quite dangerous, wasn’t she? What a peculiar power to have—the complete control of the men around her. I don’t think I could handle a power like that. Well, maybe a little bit of it wouldn’t be a terrible thing. Oh, what am I saying; of course it would. People should never be controlled unwillingly.

            All that to say, if I _did_ have that kind of power, I wonder what I would use it for? Growing up I probably would have had my dad be a little less protective of me talking to boys. Seriously, he was terrible. I never really learned how to flirt or anything because I barely ever talked to boys. Maybe that’s another thing I would do: I would trick men into thinking that my version of “flirting” was actually quite nice. Well, no I wouldn’t want to do that. I should just find someone who doesn’t mind my dismal flirting. Or someone who I don’t actually have to flirt with at all. Hmm… what else would I do? If Ward mysteriously got into the habit of walking around with his shirt off, I wouldn’t complain.

            Ah, I know what I would do. And I would have absolutely no regrets, I think. I would make Coulson let me get HQ to assist me in further study of the GH325 drug. Goodness, I wish I knew why he was being so weird about the whole thing. We need answers, for the sake of humanity. What could it possibly come from that deserves such security? Hopefully we’ll find out eventually…

 

Fitz

            I am such an idiot. I can’t believe I fell for Lorelei’s mind-control. Although, to be completely honest, it was quite nice while it was happening. Not that I liked it, per say, but it felt really nice even though on some level I knew it was wrong. It felt like the woman of your dreams actually wanting to be with you. Everything you could want in a woman, right in front of you, and a single touch felt like a declaration of love.

            No one’s ever told me they loved me, besides family. So in that sense, it felt really nice. But as soon as it was over, it felt like a punch in the gut. Like finding out that someone you thought liked you was just pretending. And I also got punched in the face by Coulson. He’s fairly skilled at punching people, so you can just imagine what my eye looks like right now. It’s rather embarrassing. Until it heals, it’ll be a reminder of my stupidity and weakness for falling for Lorelei.

            God, this really is all so embarrassing. I can’t believe I locked Skye and Simmons in the med pod. But Ward should probably be more embarrassed than me, as he caused a lot more damage. Neither of us is to blame, though, and I really, really hope the women on this bus understand that. 

            I was doing fairly well with my little pact with myself about ignoring my feelings for Simmons. You know, until I realized the whole woman-of-my-dreams-wanting-to-be-with-me was false and Jemma was right there being nearly it. Damn it, this sucks. I’ve just got to try harder at ignoring things. Figure out how to keep things under control, not dwell on her and the cute, little faces she makes in the lab. God, Fitz pull yourself together. Think about something else.

            Life on Asgard must be really crazy. They’ve got Loki, Lorelei, and who knows who else always causing trouble. I guess we have our fair share of trouble, too, but not from people who have manipulative powers. Or at least that I know of. I wonder if this Clairvoyant really is clairvoyant, or just, I don’t in the right place at the right time. Hopefully we’ll eventually find out.


	16. End of the Beginning

Fitz

            I don’t have very long, because I need to call Simmons, but I’ve got to get some things off my chest.

            I mean, what the hell just happened? We found the Clairvoyant, finally. And then Ward shot the guy…

            Seriously, though, what the hell? I don’t even know what to think. It’d be weird enough if it was just simply over. The guy put into the Fridge and all that. But then Ward shots him? I don’t get it.

            What could possibly be going on in his head? We won’t be able to get any information out of the Clairvoyant now.

            We’d all have our reasons for personally pulling the trigger. The guy was a creep and sadistic. And almost killed Skye. But we know you can’t just shot someone when they have information, no matter what they’ve done. I guess Ward wasn’t thinking. He was just, I don’t know, feeling.

            I guess I can understand that. I let my emotions get the best of me more than I would like. But would I shoot someone? Perhaps. I honestly don’t know. If Jemma had been the one who got shot… maybe I would have done the same. Guess Ward cares a great deal about Skye. He was doing a really good job of hiding that, until now.

            But I’ve got to run. Got a phone date with Simmons. Not—sorry—I mean a phone appointment.

  

Simmons

            Fitz is about to call. Unfortunately I haven’t done nearly as much research as I would have hoped. Agent Triplett and I were listening in on the team’s update with Agent Hand.

            It’s all so shocking. The fact that the Clairvoyant was in plain sight was shocking enough, and then Ward shot him in cold blood. I knew that Ward could be lethal, but I never thought he would do something like that.

            The closer we have gotten to the Clairvoyant, the stranger things have become. I just never expected that strangeness to cross over into our team. What could possibly have been Ward’s motivation for doing such a thing?

            I can’t believe it’s over. I can’t believe the Clairvoyant is dead and gone. All the big names connected to him are in custody as well. I’m sure I’m not the only one thinking that, well, it seems too good to be true. But then if that’s the case, what on earth are we dealing with?

            Ah, Fitz is calling me. Got to go.


	17. Turn, Turn, Turn

Simmons

            It’s all gone. S.H.I.E.L.D. is gone. There are only pieces left. What are we going to do? I don’t know what to think. Many of the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents who are still alive have joined the private sector… Is that what awaits our team? Going our separate ways and pretending like S.H.I.E.L.D. never happened?

            It seems like Coulson still has plans for us. We wouldn’t be repairing The Bus if he wanted us to go our separate ways. But what can we possibly do now without any S.H.I.E.L.D. resources?

            Maybe it would be better if we went our separate ways. Oh, I don’t know. That does sound horrible doesn’t it? This is all so messed up. How on earth could this have happened? How could HYDRA have been in S.H.I.E.L.D. this whole time? How did nobody notice that?

            I feel lost. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. We were all in so much danger today. Triplett, Ward and Skye; May and Coulson; and Fitz. Oh, Fitz. If Garrett had gotten his way, Fitz would be living every S.H.I.E.L.D. scientist’s worst nightmare. Being forced, tortured, in order to do horrible research. Oh god, it makes me sick to my stomach to think of Fitz having that fate. But he’s safe now. Our whole team is, and Garrett is on his way to the Fridge. Things could have been a lot worse, I guess. I certainly hope they won’t get any worse.

           

Fitz

            What the hell? I don’t even want to bloody talk about today. I just can’t think about it, because every time I do, I end up breaking something. And there are already enough broken things on this plane.

            Christ, the whole time Garret was fucking Hydra. How did this happen? Dammit, I just broke a pen. Not only am I breaking things, but I'm also shaking all over. Shooting someone with a real gun will do that to you, I guess. So will the thought of being forced to act as a Hydra pawn. I kind of wish I could have gone with Ward to deliver Garret to the Fridge, the bloody terrorist. I would’ve like to seen him locked up in a cell.

            My heart rate is going crazy. Why was Simmons even at the Hub in the first place? She should not have been separated from us. God, I was so relieved when I saw her. If she had been hurt… I don’t even know. Would it be too much to ask for a bunker in the middle of nowhere where Simmons and I can hang out? The rest of the team can come, too. Just some place safe.

            Okay, I really can’t talk about this anymore. I’m going to go fix something. I just… can’t do this right now.


	18. Providence

Fitz

            Who is this Triplett? Seriously, why is he still here? Besides the fact that Simmons vetted for him. And I’m not even going to touch on that.

            I don’t blame Simmons for not trusting Coulson—I didn’t really either, I just didn’t want to say it out loud. But what else could we do? Thankfully it all worked out. Except Trip is still here. That hasn’t really worked out yet.

            It’s not that I hate him or anything; I’d just prefer that he went somewhere else. I liked our team how it was before. I don’t see a reason to add another person to the mix. Ward just got back so we don’t need the extra specialist anymore.

For a very big chunk of my life it’s been Simmons and me. Fitzsimmons. Sure, we had other friends, but they never got in the way of each other. This feels different. With all this HYDRA stuff going on, I was really counting on having Simmons there to process all of this with. But now there’s Trip, the wanker.

            And, of course, there’s the fact that I’m basically in love with Jemma. I want to be with her. Very, very badly. It doesn’t even have to be in a romantic way, although, god, that would be nice. I just want her here now. I don’t like the feeling of something pulling us apart. If things were simpler, it would be so much better. We’d just continue working on the Bus together, and maybe eventually she’d start to like me, too—you know, romantically. And then who knows. We’d probably get in trouble for, I don’t know, kissing in the lab or something. Hm. It would be really nice to kiss her in the lab. Or maybe in the storage closet…

            But there’s Trip. And HYDRA. And technically no anti-fraternization protocol… although I don’t see that being to my advantage right now. Honestly, with everything being so messed up, all I want is to snuggle up with Jemma, a cup of tea, and an episode of Doctor Who. And if we ended up making out, that’d be fine with me. But no, she’s playing cards with Trip. Skye is catching up with Ward, and Coulson and May are grumbling at each other. And I’m here, alone. I don’t like this at all. I want my friend back.

 

Simmons

            Oh, goodness. What a day! This whole secret base thing is very confusing. All of this is so confusing. Honestly, I don’t know what to think anymore. S.H.I.E.L.D. is gone, yet we’re still acting like S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. I want to support Coulson, but he’s been acting so strange. Although I guess that strangeness came in handy with finding the base.

            I don’t really know what to do now. My whole life I have followed the rules presented before me, and now that there officially aren’t any rules, I’m questioning everything. Everything and everyone who I used to have figured out, I now have to reexamine. I have to reevaluate the level of trust in all of my relationships and duties.

            Fitz has been acting a bit strange lately, too. We all have, I guess, but I'm worried about him. He’s not very good with dealing with change, so I know he must be having a hard time with the HYDRA development. But there seems to be something else. Something that he would normally confide in me about but isn’t for some reason.

There are just so many things out of place and I don’t know how to fix them. Since I can’t fix them, I’ll have to adapt. Adapt to this new desire to question everything and everyone and make sure that I can _truly_ trust them. Accept Fitz. I don’t think I need to question trusting him. He may be driven by his emotions right now, but he’s not evil, or somehow aligned with HYDRA. No, he’s just going through a difficult time, as we all are. I wish I knew how to help him. I wish he wasn’t avoiding Trip and I. There’s no point in wishing things could go back to normal, and I wish he knew that.


	19. The Only Light in the Darkness

Simmons

            I don’t have much time to write here—we’ve got some serious business to figure out. We came back from Portland to find the base empty. Empty. And no note or any other sign.

            Just when I start to think things can’t get anymore strange, they do. I need to stop thinking that, I guess. But of course it’s just a coincidence—jinxing isn’t scientifically proven. Although these days, who knows?

            Why would everybody have just left? And with no explanation? I guess I can see May or Koenig leaving us to read the signs, but Ward or Skye wouldn’t have left us in the dark on purpose.  Or at least I don’t think they would have. It is becoming harder and harder to analyze situations when they are becoming more and more unpredictable. Anything could have happened—and so how on earth are we supposed to figure it out?

            These upheavals of everything we knew are becoming more frequent—and taking their toll on us. Some more than others. Coulson doesn’t seem to be doing well at all. Something serious happened between him and May. And he just saw the love of his life, who thinks he’s dead. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be.

            And then there’s Fitz. I can see how he is so desperately trying to hold on to the world that he knew. And taking it out on Trip, of all people. I’m worried that something else will happen. Something else that totally screws with our heads and leaves us picking up the pieces, again. I don’t know if Fitz can handle it. I don’t know if I can handle it.

 

Fitz

            Why does stuff like this keep happening? Can’t things just be normal for a bit? It doesn’t have to be forever, just enough time for us to adjust, for god’s sake. What were they thinking? Surely May, Ward, and Skye knew that we would want an explanation. So why would they leave without one?

            The last mission was strange, yet somehow normal. Going in and simply getting the job done is nice. I wish we could do more of that. Goodness knows there are a lot of creeps and weirdoes out there now messing things up. But seeing Coulson in the context of a romantic relationship was a little weird. And honestly, painful. He was right there, right next to her, and he didn’t tell her he was alive. I don’t get it.

            Well, maybe I do. I should have told Jemma. I could have, right on that plane. I could have told her how I can’t stop thinking about her. How badly I want her to be safe. How it drives me crazy to see her and Trip get closer, while I stand in the background. How much I want to just hold her, be near her, and be with her. But I didn’t tell her. And maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe Coulson is right and there are good times and bad times to tell someone how you feel. What good would it do at this point? We’re agents—we can’t date like normal people. It would just make things more complicated.

            Some day I’ll tell her because I want her to know how much she means to me. But I don’t think that day is anytime soon. There’s too much going on now. I’ve waited this long, I can wait a bit longer.


	20. Nothing Personal

Fitz

            So, I’m—I’m not doing too well right now. This is the first time since, you know, we found out about… You know the first time since then that I’ve been on my own, left to my own thoughts.

            I just… I can’t believe it. Ward, he’s been there. This whole time, he’s been our teammate and friend. I just can’t really believe it. ‘Cause if I were to believe it, I’d be pretty messed up. I guess I don’t want to believe it.

            ‘Cause if Ward is really, truly HYDRA, none of it meant a damn thing. We were teammates, you know? All those missions together. That mission with just the two of us. I thought he really had my back, but maybe he didn’t. Not very many guys like him ever gave me the time of day, so it was nice having him around. But I guess that doesn’t mean anything anymore—not if he really is doing this on his own accord.

            There has to be a reason for all of this. He has to care about us. How could we have spent all that time on the Bus together and he not feel a thing for us? I mean, he saved Jemma’s life. When I couldn’t. That meant something to me, to all of us. To her.

            God, why on earth did all of this happen? Why are there such terrible people out there? I swear to God, if I see John Garrett I’m going to, oh, I don’t know. Kill him, maybe. If I can.

            If Ward really is HYDRA, then any of us could be. But none of the rest of us are. I double checked. Jemma is definitely not. I told her, just a little bit ago, how I wouldn’t be able to cope if she was. I’d be done, if she were. Done with the S.H.I.E.L.D. life. I hope she knows that—I hope she knows how much she means to me. Everything is getting so crazy—maybe I should tell her how I feel. I don’t know how many chances I’ll get.

 

Simmons       

            I already knew that everything I had known about S.H.I.E.L.D. was turned upside down. But now, truly, _everything_ that I knew about my place on the Bus has been turned upside down.

            Ward is HYDRA. _Ward_ is HYDRA. The man who jumped out of a plane for me is HYDRA. It doesn't make any sense, and yet all of the facts point to it. We have no reason to believe he isn’t acting of his own accord.

            Those are the facts and the truth. And that is why it hurts so much. He was with us, everyday, every mission, protecting us like he cared. But no, he was just following orders. Using his bravery and skill to get us to like him, so he could act when the time called.

            I wish I could think more like Fitz—I wish I still had hope for Ward. But, honestly, I don’t. Like I said, you have to look at the facts…

            Even if the facts leave you sobbing into your pillow. I never really bonded with Ward all that much, but I trusted him. I trusted him with my life and all along he could have taken us out, one by one.

            I don’t know what’s going to happen to any of us. We’re going to go after Garrett and Ward, that much is clear, but what then? How dangerous is that going to be, especially without any S.H.I.E.L.D. back up resources? I have a feeling these next missions are going to be very, _very_ dangerous.

            I honestly don’t know what we are getting ourselves into.


	21. Ragtag

Simmons

            And we’re off. Fitz and I are tracking down our plane. I am a bit nervous, going without a specialist. Not that we’re helpless, but if we were to run into some major problems (which seems likely these days), it would be nice to have back up.

            It’s good to see Fitz and Trip getting along together, however awkward it is. This whole Ward thing has been hard on all of us—but it looks like we’re all dealing in our separate ways. I’m recalibrating, Fitz is turning to hope, Trip is writing Ward off, and May, I assume, is putting it all away in her Emotional Trunk some fifty feet below the surface. I would not want to open that up! Skye seems pained and hurt, but accepting and adjusting. Coulson is a little bit harder to read—I imagine he is analyzing everything, trying to decide what other hidden threats are out there.

            We aren’t acting on S.H.I.E.L.D. authority anymore. We’re vigilantes, and I must say it is rather exciting! For the first time since this whole HYDRA threat came about, I feel confident in my decision to be here with the team. I know what we’re doing is right—Garrett is a mad man and needs to be taken down. He can’t continue to experiment on these soldiers—clearly he never paid attention in Ethics. Or worse, he thought it was a laugh.

            Eesh. Honestly, him and all the HYDRA doctrines give me the willies. Ah, we finally found a place to use the loo. That’s all for now, I guess.

 

Fitz

            Thank goodness we found that restaurant. I’ve had too much tea this morning to not have a bathroom readily available. Not a fan of pissing into bottles—especially if it’s just Simmons and me in the car. That would be embarrassing.

            It’s good to have the vast amounts of caffeine pulsing through me, though. Keeps my mind from dwelling on one thing for too long. Thinking about one thing for too long hasn’t worked out well for me these last couple of days. If I start thinking about Ward, I end up wanting to punch everything. If I start thinking about Jemma, all I want to do is curl up in bed and get away from everyone. And then if I start thinking a Garrett, I just want to start ripping holes in the motel pillows. So yes, bouncing from thought to thought is quite nice.

            I’m ready to catch these guys. I’m ready to take Garrett down and make sure no one else gets an explosive eyeball implanted into their skull. And if we take Garrett out of the picture, we can really figure out what is going on in Ward’s head. Literally, we’ll be able to see if he has an eye implant, too.

            After we find Garrett and all of his mates, I’m not sure what we’ll be doing as a team. We’re vigilantes at this point, so if we don’t have funding from S.H.I.E.L.D., things are going to change a lot. We won’t be able to find new threats as easily. And hopefully the Bus will still be in one piece when we find it.

            I’m sure we’ll be fine, though. Whatever happens, we’ll have each other, right? Right.


	22. Beginning of the End

Simmons

            I’ve been picking up my pen and putting it down for about an hour now. I know if I start writing, if I start explaining what’s going on inside my head, I’ll lose it. But I need to come to terms with it. I do. I just don’t want to. I don’t want to believe it.

            I want to believe that Fitz is fine. That he’s here next to me, talking, laughing, and getting angry at Trip for his anti-junk food stance. But that’s not the case. I’m here, alone, in a strange room, avoiding everyone.

            I’m alone. Fitz is in a coma.

            Fitz is in a coma.

            I can’t do this. I can’t write this down. It hurts too much. My journal is going to be ruined after this because of my inability to stop crying.

            I feel like a part of me has been torn off. The gnawing feeling in my stomach won’t go away.

            Fitz is hurt and it’s all my fault. I took the oxygen. I didn’t swim fast enough. If I had swum faster, he might be awake now. But he’s not, and I don’t know when he’ll wake up. I don’t know if he’ll be the same old Fitz.

            Why did he do this to me? Why did he make me take the mask? Why did he expect me to leave him there? How could he have ever thought that I would do that?

            I’m so scared for him and I feel so guilty for being okay when he isn’t. But I am so, so angry with him.

            Why, Fitz? Why did you put me in this position? Why did it never occur to you that I would be lost if you weren’t here with me? Why did you assume that my life needed to be saved more than yours?

            Did I do that? Did I make you think that you weren’t worth as much as me?

            Why? Why did you develop feelings for me? That’s not how we work. Neither of us were supposed to get to that point. Wasn’t that the unspoken deal? We don't think of the other in romantic terms because, if we did, we wouldn’t be able to go back. Back to normal. Back with you, in the lab, by my side.

            Oh, Fitz… I wish I could have said something more to you. I would have said that I love you so, so much. You’re my best friend. You are the person I trust the most. The person I want near me. The person that I want to save. The person I would not leave, under any circumstance. How did you not know that? Why did I never tell you how much your friendship meant to me?

            I just want you here, now, and well. Not in a coma. Not with any complications. Whole.

            But you’re not. You’re connected to machines and it hurts so much to look at you.

            There are just two things that I want in the world. One, to have Fitz be okay. Two, to see Ward suffer. For Ward to know how despicable he really is. For him to know how much damage he caused. For him to know that Fitz is 100 times the man he’ll ever be.

            Fitz, please wake up soon. I need you. I need you so badly. I can’t do this without my best friend. Please wake up and be okay. We all need you. Please come back to us. To me.


End file.
